Godhood
by Psychocane
Summary: Power he didn't want. Yet power he was forced to obtain. How can someone manage to let go of their life, accept their death, and right their wrongs, without mistake? Especially with the newness of godhood looming above? [AU Fanfiction/Implied, but not direct Nekushiki/Unfinished/Semi-Connected Oneshots]


Neku watched the smaller boy fall to the cold ground with a thump.

So he really had done it? Huh?

He felt his hands shake a little as he carefully dropped the gun. He didn't need it anymore. The Composer was gone. He was responsible for that. Part of him felt horrible. But he had done it. He had saved Shibuya… He felt a small smile form on his face despite how pained he felt. He had just done what he needed to… It didn't matter. _Joshua didn't matter_. Shibuya was safe now.

He was tired. Oh, so tired of the UG. Neku Sakuraba wanted more than anything to go home. He wanted to breathe once more. He wanted to meet up with Shiki at Hachiko. He wanted to get the life that had been so horribly stolen from him back…But looking at the limp Composer, Neku realized he never would get to do any of those things. Joshua's words rang loudly in his head.

" _The winner gets to be Composer, and do whatever he likes with Shibuya. If you win, you decide. If I win, I'll decide… Of course, I've already decided."_

Oh… He was the Composer now. He'd never get to live again.

Neku weakly looked over at Shiki and Beat, who seemed panicked, and for good reason too. Neku had just killed someone. He slowly approached them, a bittersweet smile on his face… He'd miss them. More than anything he just wanted to go back with them… _He didn't want to stay here_.

Shiki stared straight at him, a mix between pity and fear in her eyes. "Neku…" She whispered, looking ready to fight back tears. There was this look in her eyes, this look of horror. This whole event had surely reminded her of when Neku had been about to erase her… When he had been willing to hurt her. Neku winced. Was she afraid of him? No. She _couldn't_ be afraid of him… He was her partner. He'd never hurt her. Joshua was different!

Neku couldn't even find the right words as he looked at Beat and Shiki. It was hard to even tell how they felt about him right now. He had done the right thing, but it felt so wrong. He looked at the ground, feeling awful. "So I guess I'm the Composer now…" He slowly mumbled, his voice barely a whisper.

As if on cue, a faint glow overtook Neku. He was looking brighter and brighter by the minute. He cringed. Were all Composers supposed to shine? H-He didn't like it. He tried his best to seem strong about it. He wouldn't cry in front of these two… He felt lightheaded. Actually, _all_ of him felt weightless, as if he were evaporating into nothing more than a faint light. Neku looked distraught.

Shiki reached out for Neku, trying to find something to say, but coming up with nothing comforting. She still looked somewhat scared, and it was driving Neku mad. He didn't want Shiki to hate him… He didn't want Shiki to hate him…

Beat looked just as speechless as Shiki, unable to make eye contact with Neku. He was quiet for a little bit, before finally. "It'll be okay yo…" He tried to assure, looking defeated. "You just gotta…" But he didn't even know how to finish the sentence.

Neku felt cold. He couldn't tell if it was because of his newfound status, or because his friends didn't even know what to say to him anymore. Why were things suddenly different between them!? They had to squint as they looked at him, and he could tell her was shining more than ever. He was _hard to look at_. It made him feel unnatural. It made him feel inhuman.

He finally managed to muster up the courage to reach out and grab Shiki's hand, which was still shakily outstretched… It felt so warm compared to his. Neku felt himself shudder. He didn't want this. _He didn't want this._ _**He didn't want th-**_

Suddenly Neku's train of thought was cut off, and he let out an ear piercing scream as he fell to the ground, grasping his head. It was pounding, as if a million thoughts were suddenly assaulting him. He was being bombarded by memories, by opinions, by ideas and emotions. Trillions of them, drilling their way into _his_ mind.

He was the embodiment of Shibuya now afterall. And Shibuya had a lot of different thoughts.

He slowly blinked, feeling empty and broken. Feeling as if his mind had been torn in two. Suddenly so many thoughts were inside his head. Thoughts that did not even belong to him… It was hard to even tell what was 'his' anymore.

If it were possible, he felt even less human than before.

Shiki looked at him dumbfoundedly, distress in her eyes. "Neku!? Are you okay!?" She gasped, running to his side and getting ready to help him up. Beat wasn't far behind.

Neku nodded, shakily pushing himself to his feet. "I'm fine." He replied, even though he knew he really wasn't. His voice had a slight echo to it now, and it sent shivers down his spine... It sounded so foreign, like it didn't belong to him...' _Neku_ '. Did he even deserve to be addressed by that now? He guiltily looked at his blurring self, cringing at his echoing voice, and trying to shake the thoughts away from his head. Was he even himself anymore?

Shiki sighed, she clearly could tell Neku wasn't 'fine'. She was looking at him with tears in her eyes, and although Beat wasn't crying, he looked just as hurt. "It's okay Neku. Things are just a little bit different now-" She whispered, not quite understanding exactly what had happened to Neku.

"No Shiki. They're not just a little different." He spat, blue eyes narrowed… Or were they gray now? He didn't know what eye color Composers were supposed to have. "Now I'll never get to go back… I'll never get to… See you at Hachiko… I'll never get to…" He grasped his head again, beginning to panic. Why was he panicking!? "I feel so confused." He finally grumbled, feeling utterly pathetic.

Shiki didn't say a word, just looked at him in pity. Neku felt himself cringe. He didn't want to be pitied… He didn't want to even be in this position… She hugged Mr. Mew to her chest, before reaching out for Neku again. "...It's still okay Neku. It might be hard now, but I'm sure you'll get used to it…" Her voice quavered a little. "We're still your friends no matter what." She tried to assure, voice still shaking.

Neku stared emptily at her. If she was his friend, then why did she seem so _**afraid**_ _of him_!? He felt himself shudder, and before he even knew it he was yelling. "No you're not!" He growled, disgust in his voice. "You're terrified of me! I'm not going to hurt you just because I'm Composer! I'm not going to hurt anyone! _I'm not like Joshua_!" He screamed.

Shiki stared at him, looking even more afraid than before. "...I know you're not like him…" She quietly sighed. "It's just… You're acting so strange…" She blinked. "I'm worried _for_ you, not about you."

Neku winced, realizing that he had yelled at her. He had yelled at _Shiki_. He was letting his emotions get the best of him right now… This wasn't like him.

Well of course, nothing about him was much like him anymore.

He felt ready to collapse, but managed to straighten himself up, sorrowfully looking at his Partners. "I'm sorry…" He whispered, trying his best to ignore his pounding head. "I just can't think right now…"

No-one said a word.

Neku sighed, reluctantly raising a glowing hand. "...I guess I should bring you guys back now… Huh?" He awkwardly asked, not even quite sure how to do that.

No response.

Neku sighed, remembering how Shades had brung Shiki 'back to life', and he found it coming to him rather easily, much to his displeasure… It made him feel even less human. Humans weren't supposed to know how to raise people from the dead. _Humans weren't supposed to do any of this._

But in a few minutes, it was over, and Shiki, Beat and Rhyme had been returned to life. Everyone had been returned to life… Everyone but him. _He'd never get to do that_.

He was tired. He was sick. He wanted to be happy and relax and be with his friends. But he couldn't. He was condemned to spend eternity in the UG… He was going to forever be like this… And there was no way out. He was angry and sad and lonely. He wanted to cry, he wanted to shout, he wanted to scream.

He felt himself collapse. Now that he was finally alone, he could mourn himself in peace, as out of character as that was for him.

His thoughts were a scrambled mess, but the same thought kept coming back to him again and again: _Why?_ Why had this happened to him? Why had _he_ had to be the Proxy…? Why had _he_ pulled the trigger and killed Joshua? Why had _he_ had to become the Composer? It hurt so much. Why? Why? Why?

"...Why… What the hell…?"

-0-

The small girl shivered as she entered the Shibuya River. It was always so cold in there. She really did hate coming. But she had to. For _his_ sake. She couldn't just say goodbye… Not quite yet at least. She missed him a lot.

She knew it was a bad idea for a Realgrounder to keep coming down here. It was cold and dirty and dangerous, and Neku was different now, he could easily hurt her. But she refused to stop visiting him. He had done so much for her. She wouldn't just abandon him.

She brushed a strand of hair out of her face as she approached the Room of Reckoning, looking up with a chill. The tall buildings in there always sent shivers down her spine. They towered so far over her, over everything, and made her feel so small. She wondered if Neku knew that she felt small. She wondered how much he knew now. She wondered if he ever felt small too.

"Hey Neku…" She said to no-one in particular, just hoping he was listening. She had been coming down here for a few months now, and she had never even once gotten a response out of him. She just had to believe he still cared. For her sake and for his. "I hope you can hear me today…"

She sighed, fiddling with her glasses. "I heard CAT released a new album… Did you know?" She asked curiously, despite the fact that she knew she wouldn't get an answer. "I bet you did. You'll always be the biggest CAT fan around, god or not…" She drifted off, trying her best to smile. "Have you heard it yet? I've heard it's really good, but I haven't listened to it myself. I was never really a huge fan of CAT's work." She managed a grin. She knew if Neku was out there somewhere, she had just successfully pissed him off.

She was quiet for a few minutes, finding nothing to say. So she just listened to the sounds. She liked listening. As big and odd as the Shibuya River was, it was interesting. She wondered how Neku felt about his new home… He probably hated it. She felt horrible for him. If only she could have been the one in his place…

"Don't worry, Neku…" She whispered, not quite sure whether she was trying to cheer herself or the Composer up. "I'm sure one day you'll be able to show up. I just don't know why you haven't yet…" She frowned. "Joshua had a RG form. Why don't you? I don't know if you aren't allowed to… I don't know if you don't know how to… I don't know if you're afraid to let us see you now. But I'm sure you'll show up someday... Until then I'll keep coming here… You'd go insane without my company." She halfheartedly laughed. "And when that day comes, you can come to Hachi with us…

"Beat and Rhyme miss you too. They're also hoping you can come see us again one day... Don't worry. We don't care what's changed about you, Neku. You're still our friend… And nothing can change _that_. We're waiting. We'll wait forever if we have to. You'll show up someday, and we'll be there for you… We _promise_."

Somewhere deep in the Shibuya River, an invisible entity smirked.

" _It's a date…"_


End file.
